Mom’s plan to wait 13 years to leave husband shocks the internet

A post about a mother who chooses to “carry” her husband to avoid her She has less access to her children if you want get a divorce been urged on Leave the marriage By users at Mumsnet, the UK-based online forum.

in Post on Mumsnet’s Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU) User NevisonBad said she has been with her husband for over 20 years and has been married to him for 10 years. They share two children, ages 5 and 8.

“Since the kids came he’s become increasingly emotionally abusive. Big cycles where he doesn’t talk to me for weeks other than yelling that I’m a nasty, nasty person. I’d argue but now I barely react. No logical reason, he just got into a mood and would go on like this for weeks.”

The user said her husband “has no problem with alcohol and no matter all the things he does for me, he’s a good dad.” “I would have left him years ago, but I don’t want to only see the kids half the time, which I think would happen if I divorced him.”

The wife asked, “Can I bear it for 13 years (say) to see the children at 100 per cent [the] the time? I came so close to leaving at some points, I even got a lawyer involved, but I can’t bring myself to do anything which means I can’t live with the kids 100 percent of the time.”

“My plan is to leave when my little one leaves home, and until then I put up with it in order to see the kids 100 percent of the time instead of 50/50,” she said.

According to the US Census Bureau, the country’s marriage and divorce rates declined from 2009 to 2019, but the rates vary from state to state.

in 2013 study Published in the peer reviewed journal Couple and family psychology: research and practiceThe most common “major contributors to divorce” were found to be lack of commitment and infidelity as well as conflict/argument.

The study indicated that the most common reasons for the “last straw” were infidelity, domestic violence and substance abuse.

In the latest post on Mumsnet, the user said: “I try to minimize the impact on the kids by staying cheerful and eventually he gets out of it and we’re ‘normal’ for a while, then he starts calling me a bad piece of work again…he just yells at me with those things, not on children.”

She said, “I know it’s okay for kids to see him yell at me, but most of the time it’s the silent treatment and I try to reduce it to the kids as soon as I say Dad is angry again. (I know the silent treatment they see him giving me is also harmful, but it seems like Better than continuous blazing rows). I’m doing well financially, working full time.”

Holly Humphreys, a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) of Thriveworks, a counseling/therapy service in Roanoke, Virginia, told Newsweek: “I hear of people staying in ‘for the children’ marriages over and over again from my clients. However, children absorb everything around them. They absorb love but also negative behaviors like emotional abuse that they see between their parents.”

Continuing to remain in this relationship, the LPC said, “will only reinforce that it is okay for people to be treated this way and that it is okay to accept this type of treatment.”

Humphreys said there are ways to get help so that the publisher can leave and get full custody of her children, especially if there is evidence of emotional abuse.

“I see she’s trying to do what’s best for her children, but exposing them to emotionally abusive and neglectful behavior is not healthy for them to witness and can cause a lot of trauma,” she said.

The LPC advised that the label may want to seek treatment to see what resources are available for the next steps. “She can’t control it [her husband’s] But she can control who bears it.”

Divorce attorney Nicole Sodoma, founder of the North and South Carolina-based Sodoma Law Firm and author of Divorce Please don’t say you’re sorryTell NewsweekDon’t be fooled into the misconception that your children don’t hear, can’t see, or don’t feel how negative statements about their mother affect them and ultimately affect them.

“Not only may these behaviors change their view of their mother (and other authoritative and parental figures in their lives), but they may also be perceived differently by each child,” she said.

“Knowing that you can’t change another person,” Sodoma advised the user in the latest Mumsnet post that they should “prioritize how you handle these high-conflict interactions.” Then she can teach her children age-appropriate coping skills to also help them manage conflict in a healthy way.

By doing this, “If you believe that separation and divorce are the answer, your children will already have those coping skills so that you can do your homework on what may be necessary for you to get to the other side of your relationship.” You may not be great spouses, but still You can be amazing parents.”

The lawyer also advised the publisher to be sure to find the right legal counsel “who will be your voice and stand up for the things that are most important to you while still being honest in telling you what is and is not possible or reasonable.”

She said, “Your lawyer should spend the time today educating you about your options, whether that is your child-rearing schedule, how to make decisions for your children (such as education, medical care, etc.), and what financial support may even be required.” You can make the best decisions for you and your family tomorrow.”

Many users on Mumsnet urged the original publisher to leave her husband.

“No, don’t put up with this for another 13 years, you only have one life. I bet it won’t go to 50:50 anyway,” user Aprilx said, while NoSleepTil simply said: “Please let it go.”

Aquamarine1029 warned: “You are greatly underestimating the impact of this horrific toxic home life on your children’s future… Sorry to be blunt, but you are complicit in the abuse they are being subjected to at this point. You have the power to leave. Do so immediately.”

User C***yMcBollocks said: “Yaboo [you are being unreasonable] Just for the fact that this will be more harmful to your children in the long run…”

PolkadotsAndCandyfloss said: “You can’t be unhappy for so many years! You only have one life, what a waste… Leave before things get worse – you don’t deserve to be treated this way.”

If you think you may be a victim of abuse, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 TTY. Or talk to someone online at TheHotline.org, as advised by the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Do you have a similar marriage dilemma? Tell us at life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story can be featured on Newsweek.